Coming to terms with fears buried deep inside of me from my childhood, with the help of a psychotherapist.
My relationship with my mother as a child to becoming a adult.
No affection, love shown or given by my mother. Felt like a Unwanted child, given no love and no care and attention, just left to my own devices all the time by my mother. Unfilled longing for my mother’s love and attention and intense hatred towards her for with holding what I needed as a child. As adult every woman would trigger my neediness. This would manifest into addictive compulsion to conquer and seduce women, So I would get female love and attention that I craved. If I was rejected I would sabotage the relationships. Mother has Narcissistic tendencies shouts and argued every day of my childhood with her partner’s. Suffered emotional abuse because of this.
My relationship with my father and stepfathers as a child and becoming a adult.
Abandonment issues from real father. Unwanted child. Stepfather was a alcoholic, abusive and violent very narcissistic person with a lot of violent tendencies.
Mother lied to me regarding my stepfather been my father and my real father. I was never showed love from my father, stepfather or any male figure in my life. Second stepfather was a very narcissistic, self centered person, lifetime of arguing with mother every morning using me and his own children as emotional punch back.
My relationship with my family as a child and becoming a adult.
Wealthy family. Very narcissistic family every think about them self’s no love for each other, very jealous of each other. Money Is more important to them all. I find it difficult to be criticized or helped buy others. I always get defensive and hot headed towards the person who is criticizing me. Was criticized a lot as a child and adult by my family not happy with allowing me to be I or have a opinion. NO empathy for others in the family always self-centered. Always telling others how to think and do. Believing they have all the answers. Struggle being deep. Worried more so what the neighbor’s would think. Christian family yet do nothing for other people only them self’s. Stepfather’s family, some family members had signs of neglect for some of the children, clothing them feeding them. Sexual abuse apparent threw out parts of family. Was abused by two cousins seems like learned behavior, they were abused my adults with in the family.
Key words Or Cycles I have been in as a child and adult
Self – destructive Tenancies
Highly sensitive to conflict (loud voices, arguing, disagreements)
Low self esteem
No love for my self
Inappropriate emotional responses to stressful situation
Un diagnosed as a child didn’t have enough information.
TRACES OF ASPERGERS
Under going test for each.
Vipassana Meditation what a wonderful experience.
I thought I would tell you about my Vipassana experience, witch I hope would encourage you to try it. Going threw life trying to work out what will help you and what doesn’t while on this journey can be quiet hard. Who can help and who just wants your money. Its quiet a difficult prose’s. Listening to my gut is the way forward for me and it hasn’t let me down yet those far.
I wanted to learn how to meditate, but was struggling to clear my mind, so I went to my local Buddhist temple to a few meditation classes, to see if I could learn some technics to help slow my brain down. After going to 5 or 6 classes, it started to slow down some. I had meet a lot of lovely people there yet one gentleman stood out to me the most, while I was there. So I made a big effort to talk and get to no him, a very peaceful man in nature, who had so many wonderful stories to tell. I asked him what really started momentum for him. He told me it was Vipassana Meditation. He didn’t explain any think else to me, regarding what it was or what it entailed. He just told me to watch a documentary on it on you tube. So I left the temple that night went home and watched these documentaries on Vipassana Meditation.
Doing Time Doing Vipassana
Not completely understanding what had changed for the people that had done the Vipassana Meditation on the documentaries I was intrigued. I was a bit me bemused weather I could meditate for 10 days, let alone not talk to any body for that length of time. So I started searching on the Internet to see if I could find any were in England were I could do a Ten-day course. How lucky I was an hour away from were I was living I found a center.
After reading up on the web site I came to learn it was free but you could donate to the cause of spreading Vipassana for all to learn. Then realized it was first come first surf to get onto the course. That you could sign up when date opened on web site. Next one to open was 29th of December. So I wrote my self a note to remind me of the day to sign up, also thinking its Christmas people will forget and I would get one booked up. I didn’t think much about it carried on going to the temple and slowing my brain down with classes there. Came two 29th December about 11 o’clock in the morning course full all ready. I couldn’t believe it, but I could get on to the waiting list. So I signed up on two the waiting list.
About a month later I got an email saying I had got onto the course. I was so excited.
I never thought about the course leading up to going. All I thought was buy the end of it I would be able to slow my head down and be quiet good a meditating. (Last think I expected was what happened)
So I arrived at the center were I was shown to my room then shown the center, were we would meditate. The women and men were then separated. Then they explained to us the ten-day plan. I went to bed that night thinking I will struggle with this. Next morning up bright and early we started meditating. It was a real struggle at first for me it was so uncomfortable with my legs crossed for that long, brain racing. So I got a chair witch helped me to relax more not feeling the pain of my legs been crossed. We were taught the technic of breathing and after two days my brain started to slow down, thinking less about the irrelevant stuff that was in my head. It was wonderful in my head, finally silence. The strangest feelings and thoughts were when I wasn’t Meditation, looking around at the people doing the same as me trying to work out what kind of people they were with out talking. On the third day the prose’s kicked into play truly not realizing what was going to happen. It was around 20.00 we had just listened to a video for the 3 day explaining more about what we were to achieve. We had just started to meditate again for the last session before bed. All of a sudden I got this sharp pain just bellow my shoulder, like I had just been stabbed in the back. It Came from no were. Crazy think was I had felt this pain many times before when I got angry, not as strong but in the same place. I was taught through the technic to feel the pain and observe it in my mind whilst in a meditative state. So I just did that. That evening I went to bed lying there feeling that pain struggling to get to sleep. It felt like pockets of air popping. Pop Pop pop for hours. Finally got to sleep around two o’clock. Next day I woke up feeling the pain still there. But carried on observing it whilst meditating. Buy the evening it had completely gone. Little did I realize at the time. I had a trauma attached to me from some part of my life that I hadn’t dealt with. And when I got up set I had a habit of trying to bury thinks deep inside my self not dealing with it. I realized When ever some body up set me it wasn’t them that was up setting me. They would trigger some think in this old wound (trauma) attached to my body that would cause me to get mad and lash out blaming them and not taking responsibility of my own emotions. That pain had been they’re my entire adult live. They weren’t hurting me I was hurting my self buy not dealing with that trauma of that pain. Carrying on through the tens days I got to the point of feeling my vibration were I could scan my body in my mind for other blockages of trauma in my body. It was the craziest think I went there to learn to mediate and ended up clearing a major trauma I had carried my hole live with out a councilor or physiologist insight. And I didn’t have to talk about any think that hurt me. On the 10th day we could talk to every body, how wonderful that was observing people for ten days no conversation. All you could see was the pain that they were carrying in there eyes and face. Wow some amazing kind gracious people. Selfless egos that wanted to understand them self’s how refreshing. Its been a few months since I went to do the course and the change in my self is amazing. Empathy love is growing inside of my self. I could always see the pain in others but now I have more understanding and patience to help. And haven’t got angry or lost my cool in any way. Never felt that pain again defiantly gone. Not to say I am finished dealing with thinks inside a lot more to do but that bit closer. And very determent to go deeper and clear out every part of the fear that holds be back.
Every body needs to go to a 10-day Vipassnana course truly amazing. I have decided I am going to go on a ten-day retreat every year now truly amazing. We carry pain inside our body and it is the cause of our suffering not the relationships we have with others. We are responsible for this no body else is.
When some think in another person up sets you remember it’s a mirror of what’s inside you.
Forgiveness and My responsibility to healing past relationships
Dear my beloved, I truly love you. I recognize you in this experience as my Girlfriend, and I love you. I sincerely apologies for not seeing your beauty; your crying out for love and compassion. I recognize that we may have had many, many experiences together; and it is time that we move forward instead of sideways. Please forgive me my beloved ones for all of the times I have blamed you for any stress that I may be experiencing.
I do not say that I am responsible; rather I say to you let us both together move forward with love and compassion for each other. Let us move forward in selflessness to support each other and let us honor each other. I thank you for being my greatest teacher; my greatest friend; my greatest lover; my greatest child; and my greatest parent. I thank you for all of this and more.
Dear these beautiful souls, I love you. I wish very much to have loving, supportive and honoring communication with you. Please forgive me for anytime I have not honored you when you wanted to speak; forgive me for anytime I have pushed you down when you have felt you had something important to say. Please forgive me when I miss-understood you or your intention. Please forgive me for making my agenda and expectations more important than you Please forgive me for holding you to a standard that you did not agree with. Please forgive me for harming you emotionally. Please forgive me for speaking to you with disrespect. Please forgive me for not listening and validating your feelings and your needs; in a way where you felt completely heard and understood. Please forgive me for not bringing love and compassion to each of our communications. I truly love you and I truly wish for the entity of our future that our relationships prosper and operate on love and compassion.
Broken free to let me spread my wings.
I have broken through a barrier, a self-imposed barrier of fear, That held me back from taking the steps I am taking now. These steps feel strange, new, uncertain and exciting. Fear based existence is no longer in operation for me. The relationship I have with fear is rather different. I am the witness not the victim. My consciousness is strong enough to hold in compassion. I will not collapse under any bodies weight or my own. My power as been claimed by my heart.
Its time for me to fly and test my winks, trust and daring I own you. Time for me to learn and accomplish my hearts desire.
What do I want? To truly love another and let go and trust. A beautiful little girl would be nice. Especially as my little boy asked me other the christmas holiday, that he would like a brother or a sister. Been told on two separate occasions from two different ladies, I will have a girl before Sebastian is six. Can’t dismissed this as I was told I was going to have a little boy before Sebastian was born and it happened. We have to believe that the universe as set it out for us. I believe there is no problem there. Just needed to let love in and let go of pain anger other peoples hurt.
Moving forward with all my goals, its like I have a mountain of goals in my brain all stored there from the past twenty years. I can be what I will to be. Spiritually I am going to push my self forward like a steam train. Knowing my life purpose and tuning into to source is top of the list as it should be for every body. You’re her in this live time to learn thinks about our self’s and help humanity move forward. I feel like it’s my purpose to guide others in this journey we call live. Especially young children. A complete list of thinks to achieve in 2017 under my belt, kept to ounce self-people will see in time. No messing this year. Il be letting an abundance of love in and remembering every child like quality I have in my self . Time to be a big kid again
Blessing and light and lots of love
Fear and its hold it as other us.
Fear how crazy is it to look deep inside and finally see all the fear I have been holding on to. Finally talking back my power. A whole lifetime of allowing other people to take my power. I didn’t care about my heart. Always thinking about the other person before my self. See my intuition as always been strong. I could always see what others could not. I understand now why that was there. There In there own karmic cycle and not meant to see. I have lived a live of my mother’s pain and allowed people to take advantage of my kind nature. While they’re in denial of there own lies and behavior. I understand now that there on there own journey and have to deal with there own self. It’s not my job to suffer because of there problems. It’s not my job to try and fix them. Its my job to let them be and allow them to get threw there own karmic lessons. I have to love and forgive let go and understand they don’t know what they do. I have to speak my truth always even if they don’t see or understand so many of us are living in fear. Not facing up to our truth inside them self’s always talking and gossiping about other people living in denial. People having opinions in my live like they matter. Really do you matter no you don’t. Take a hard look at your self before you give an opinion as you might have more fear in your self then I do. I send you all my love and blessing and light. We all make mistakes as long as we grow strong from them and climb out of that fear based existence. We all want to be loved but were so scared to be loved. That’s were I have been inside my self for twenty years having relationships but not truly loving my self in the proses.
I have spent a live time speaking my truth yet believing and listening to people that didn’t know them self’s, been some body I am not. Not Any more. I am so grateful for my many lessons that I have had to learn and I am sure there is many more to come. I wouldn’t be half the man I am today. Its my life my choices my heart. I am going to bring light, peace, love and guidance to people now, like I was put on this earth to do. I will always speak my truth and understand that even if others resist or even attack in fear with lies I no in truth I truly cannot be harmed. I no now that my soul and spirit is indestructible. I’ve learned the truth of love is always there for me. Love will always welcome me into its arms and I can feel it at home within my heart. I no longer acknowledge this fear based belief system that so many of you consider to be truth. Love is my truth. I have heard many lies and I have chosen to release them, and to trust in my truth. With my loving heart on my spiritual journey. I will shine the way I was meant to I am ready to be seen for who and what I am. The love inside me now is stronger then the fear, rejection, doubt or resistance in any other. I am letting go of fear I hope you are to .
Maybe every one should take a look at one self before gossiping about others.
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, And the world makes you King for a day, Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, And see what that (guy or gal) has to say.
For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife, Who judgment upon you must pass. The feller whose verdict counts most in your life Is the (Guy or Gal) staring back from the glass.
He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest, For he’s with you clear up to the end, And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test If the (guy or Gal) glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum, And think you’re a wonderful (Guy or Gal), But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, And get pats on the back as you pass, But your final reward will be heartaches and tears If you’ve cheated the (Guy or Gal) in the glass.
Twin flame separation this is a time for me to have my own healing, spiritual growth, recognize my lessons and just be the best version of myself.
Realizing now after extensive reading and learning a twin flame separation is something that can’t be avoided and is meant to happen. It was obvious at the point of meeting we weren’t ready for each other. The reunion was Un explainable and strong in nature. We weren’t ready for each other. I.E we weren’t in a position to take care of each other’s souls. We should have individually learnt some important life lessons such as love, loss, handling of jealous and hate. Not looking back at our childhood and realizing the traits of our parents in bedded into our sub conscious. There are key lessons we are still meant to learn.
We will always be connected were still learning and growing in side our self’s. Important Lessons we need to learn Detachment, forgiveness, surrender, grace, inner strength and trust. Forgiveness will be our greatest lesson.
Whatever the memories I am recognizing the mirror images I took from you and seeing my self. I am growing stronger every day. I am UN hitching my self from the matrix and heading towards an awakened mind and heart ready to truly love and be loved. I definitely miss you but I know now it’s meant to happen. What made matters worse for us both was we had to go through this stage alone and no body will no exactly how we feel. I am left with a string of questions in my head with no real answers. But were still connected in a way. We still think about each other all the time and feel our internal energy. I will endure the pain and grow and learn what I need to no I will trust in the process.
Once we are ready the universe will reunite us once more. This time the love will be unbreakable and divine.
I am a victim of the projections of my parent’s shadow-selves…
I recognize that I must forgive them, because they don’t know what they do, and then it is a natural thing to simply let go.
I am embodying My Higher Self and letting go of the identification with shame and guilt.
I no longer seek to extract love, approval and appreciation from other people.
I am now letting go and not carrying emotional scars.
Fire, oxygen, earth, water are the building blocks of the entire universe, and what constitutes my soul.
“I’m going to let the universe tell me which path to take, and I’m going to trust that I will know what I have to do when I have to do it.”
Note to self.
I am Dean Willis and I am a great person. I am loyal, respectful, Loving, Caring, intelligent and it doesn’t matter to me what other people think about me. I don’t have to make other people like me or love me because I all ready love my self. I am confident and irresistible to other people. I let go of all my negative thoughts I realize them to the universe. I am positive, peaceful and loving. I have many great qualities that make me so worthy of anyone’s love and attention. Others do Notice me and appreciate me. There is love all around me and I let it in. I only focus on the positive. I now open my self up to love; I open all my chakras to love. I am not afraid any more of getting hurt. I don’t want to unconsciously prevent my twin flame from getting close to me, as I want them to come into my life now. I want my twin flame to join my heart. I am willing to take the risk and fully open my self to love. My twin flame is the love of my life and the center of my universe. As I heal my twin flame heals. My twin flame is a perfect match of each other and the love between us is Devine. I am so grateful for every think I have. Thank you lord, Devine, universe for helping me see the truth. Thank you for giving me my beautiful son. I feel blessed every day. I now let go of every person I have every loved and all pain I am holding onto. I forgive myself and I forgive them, we did not no what we no now. I let them go with so much love. I am completely at ease and ok with not being with my twin flame. Not having her is okay and I am okay with possibly losing her. I want a relationship with my twin flame or someone better. I have complete compassion for my twin flame and I support her.
And so it is!
I can be what I will to be
The week prier ended strange still confused with what happened but quickly realized a few days into the week it was meant to be at its end. I learned what I did from it and realized quick that talk is all they will ever do and ego is at play also with underlined anger and control. Such a shame seemed like a nice fella. Blessing and light good look with every think.
O well universe moved me forward and it came with excitement and gratitude finally after 28 weeks I can start work with children. You will never no how grateful I am that I finally got were I want to start my plan. Working with children is were I can put my heart. After spending most of my life trying to tell people I cared about were they were going wrong, not realizing I was broken inside, talking my truth caring about people with honesty. Just to loss people because they’re not ready for there truths. They’re not ready to face them self’s and I don’t need to make my self suffer because of their karma and lack of love for my self. Its all change now finally I am putting my truth into children that really need it and it feels so right and makes me feel happy. A feel alive again I feel so much empathy. I am cleaning my self out self love is coming strong I realize so many thinks now, were I have gone wrong. Even working with the children is teaching me thinks about my self. Trauma that these children have gone threw because of their parent’s and peers. Like seeing my self in the mirror I can truly help the children because I no how they are feeling. Been working for agency that sends me to different homes. I have been sent to three homes this week hit it of with all the kids I seem to have ore that the children respond to me and open up. All homes want me to work for them permanently after the first week and half. Thank you universe this is my life purpose and the starting point of the master plan. Decided on one of the homes I am going to get full time job with. And also going to stay with agency so I can work a day a week at another so I can help a young man to get threw his out door Qualification He wants me to help him with them. The Staff have been trying with him for months with no success and a few shifts with him and he wants me to help him. I was built for this past trauma as made me strong another that I can deal with the pain these children are going threw and help. Life purpose. I have known this all my life. Finally I start. Clearing away my fear and working on my self from the inside is my next plan to finish. Booked a few sessions with a psychologist want to go back to my childhood get ride of any pain I am holding onto and pain from the last few years. No more fear, No more Guilt, No More hurt. Thank u for the journey of knowing my self. I am strong person and I am starting the true journey of spiritual awareness with every think. Cleaning my self out so I can be the best I can be. The Master plan has started Finish the clean out of my self also master key and start faces to plan 2 ,3. Thank you universe, I will continue to trust you and continue to flow in the directions you show me. I am ready to realize the false belief system the artificially created world. I free my self of the same hurtful pattern with the same types of toxic people. The door will be shut and ill be walking in a different direction I am ready for my higher consciousness.
The positive coming in and around me. We just have to look at live in a different way.
It feels strange to look at thinks with different eyes. It should be easy for us to look at every think that is positive. Yet my brain would always head towards the negative, always looking for some think to go wrong or even coursing it to go wrong, with out realizing. A blueprint of failure embedded into my brain from my childhood and peers. Changing the thought prose’s that as been so apparent in my sub conscious for all these years is a point in my life I never thought I would be. Looking deep inside now feels like the biggest blessing of my life. I look back and think about my childhood and feel very great full for a lot of the pain as I realize I wouldn’t be half the man I am now with out it. We have to suffer to grow to be stronger to develop a skin that can deal with the worst elements of the world, to be grateful and generous in soul. Judgment of others has to be from the heart not because of social stature, money or intellect. Id do no if its just my observation or other people share the same agreement. When I have been traveling in 3rd world countries and been around the less fortunate they seem to half a heart of pure love and respect and they are so generous. This elements of understanding and the gift of never judging others no matter who they are Is a true blessing. Because of different sides of my childhood I learned to be human and to treat every person human a true gift that I believe was build into me to help others. I have been affected buy my childhood and life and have always looked at the negative side of it never looking at the positive you can take from that bad time. When you truly look at out self’s at that point of pain we can truly grow in ways. I have spent a lot of my life trying to fix other people not seeing that I was in pain suffering and living in fear. So this weeks blessing and the think I am so grateful is looking at my self. Working with the homeless this last few weeks have helped me to see my own self-destructive side. Helped me to see there is part of my heart, mind still suffering because of times in my life, bringing me answers that have been long hidden. I truly feel blessed and I am moving in the direction of complete love for my self to be the best I can be to help other. I am blessed this week because my DBS check as finally come. Now just waiting for Spanish one. Homeless outreach charity I have been helping have been donated a hostel and I have been there helping and meeting some wonderful people. I now feel blessed to be awakening more and more every day spiritually, and growing. I am grateful for the love that is growing inside my self. Your words and lies don’t hurt any more. I will be part of the people in the world that truly give love and don’t live in fear. Peace in my heart.
Definite change inside my self.
I wouldn’t say I am completely there yet but I do feel a difference in side my self this week. My brain is back to productive thinking and less fearful on that front.
I feel since I added other thinks in self love is starting to a pear. I don’t want to get into much this week as it’s been a week of reflecting and letting go of making opinions on people and reflecting on my self. Pain is going forgiveness of others is beginning. Just wish other people would just move on with there live and let go of the pain. I love you, i am sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Powerful words of truth. Its time for you to be happy, let go. Holding on to pain is just hurting you.
You want to talk, Facebook let go and be happy. Don’t hold onto pain.
First few weeks of this course, ripped me apart. Most of this year as been the same. Looking inside your self taking responsibility of once own actions is difficult for any person. Its easy to tell other people what there doing wrong, but to look at your self its hard. Realizing that most people don’t and understanding that makes me realize and strengthen my self with the attitude of listening to my self and forget what other people think. There not me and never will be and there lies will only come back on them self and there own karma. Better be sure of the truth before one has opinions. I take responsibility of my self with abundance of love for my self. I no who I am do you people no who you are. Because the way I see most of the people in this world. You think you no who you are but you really don’t and every decision made is made out of fear and the programing of they family and media. I am wining all ready love for my self is appearing and with that comes strength. Never will I accept people’s behavior and lack of respect and love. So yes times they are changing.
Peace with in my heart to come next, forgiveness and love is what ill be sharing, have been all along. Ask your self have you. Please ask your self’s how much of that do you give out with out expecting some think in return.
. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
. I love you, I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
I am Feeling stronger inside but not a nice finish to the week.
Been a long week this week. It seemed to drag for me. Not had time for much as I have been so busy with different thinks. Been out with the homeless all week, most nights apart from Thursday and went to meditation that night. Seems to have every think set on its path now. Spiritual side of thinks working along side this the master key is working better for me. My mind is clearing and I feel I am letting go of the past inside. I also put some affirmations together for me to read every morning witch helps strengthen my subconscious I believe with positive thoughts. Done my wall chart of manifestation as I call it. Wall is pretty full of stuff for my subconscious.
Problem is I haven’t spoke to my little man much this week every time I called he was playing with his friends and didn’t want to talk to me. Up setting to say the least. Also this weekend as been horrific for me first I am not with my little man for Halloween witch hurts. Second a dear friend of mine died from a heart attack. I am pretty speechless when it comes to this only 47 years old. Rest in peace my friend. A wonderful man, that had the biggest heart. Every body likes him. A comedian on the microphone, always-making people laugh. A true friend to many people. It really Shows me how short life really is and we never no what’s round the corner. I am blessed to have known you for twenty years and feel privileged to have been your friend. God bless you. Sending all my love to all our friends and Rodgers family .xxx
You will never die when you’re alive in the memories of others.
Interesting discovery and added more to my journey.
Hope it’s been a great week for every one. I have got ride of the illness I had last week finally feeling a lot better. Been a long week this week, out helping the Homeless for 4 nights of the week. They’re so many people in pain in this world and so many people hiding behind money, why does it have to be this way. Meet a young 21-year-old girl this week that had just run away from her family, two days prier to me meeting her. The reason for her running away was because her mother had set up an arranged marriage for her and a young fella. Her words to me was my mother hides behind religion in her community every one thinks she’s a saint telling me how to think who to love and what to do. I feel like a slave. I don’t feel love from my mother or family. How can this be gods way, Love is gods way. I really felt for this young girl. How true are them words why is it that our piers think there write when it comes down to religion and the poor and money. As far as I can see your egos are the biggest your ignorance to love and empathy is the worst. Yet you dictate to people the most about how it should be. All the people hiding behind religion to make their egos inflated will have to attain for what they have done. The world moves in such a slow pace because people live in the past scared to move forward and look at the future. Young generations have to break threw such out dated selfish egotistical attitudes. An example of the younger generation feeling more love and empathy is with the homeless they’re always stopping in the streets to feed the homeless not only that there stopping to talk to them. I have been out for the last three weeks now and noticed children from the age of 9 up wards stopping to feed and talk to them. I have not seen one adult in this time. You like to think you have so much love and empathy yet you walk buy like your owed some think. A mind full of making money who will I screw other next. Human Ego has a massive amount to play in the way the world is. We can blame politicians for a lot of what’s going on in the world, but how much responsibility are we going to personally take. How much of our own egos are we going to be accountable for? Having money doesn’t get you closer to god it puts you further away. All the prophets of the world didn’t live in big houses drive flash cars or designer clothes, its human ego that wants all this. I feel blessed and no the human raise is getting better and its starting with the younger generations of empathic, loving, caring intuitive people I believe that the generations, keep braking down the walls of ego, greed and keeps showing them there truth, there world they created. Keep giving love and empathy to the areas of the world that need it. Wake up humanity, wake up to your own ego its time to look at our self’s.
Some think I have noticed on this master key journey is there isn’t another spiritual for me. So I took it open my self to find some spiritual stuff to work along side this, so I decided to work with Dr & Master Sha (Tao source Healing) and also to go on two 10-day Vipassana Meditation courses. Healing and taking a hard look at my self from the inside out. I believe this will help me to become stronger more in tune individual. Its time to be truly me, I am starting to feel blessed.
Been really ill this week lost momentum
Really been a struggle this week been really sick. Every one around me is sick too. Illness seems to be hitting every one. Seems to be a shift in pain inside my self this week don’t know if its to do with me been ill. I can’t move I feel so numb inside my self. Still waiting to start work with children feel like it will never come. Feels like every think is stopping me from getting were I want to be. I came back to England to make changes in my life to change careers to find my self to move forward from a place were I wasn’t happy. I want more in my live I want to help. I want to be my heart. I don’t know why I don’t love my self. I don’t know why I allow people to hurt me with their lies. I won’t let you win. I will continue to tell my truth. I will love my self. I am in England to make a difference to my life knowing there is nothing for me and my heart in Majorca, apart from my son. My heart is in pain because I no I am making the right choice yet my son is suffering because I am not with him. How can I make a better life for my boy, Staying on an island were there is nothing there for me, Only people who survive all ready have money. No body is bettering them self’s there just living paycheck to pay check. I want more then that for me and my son. Spanish young teenagers can’t even get jobs. How is my son going to get a job. I don’t want my son to work in the tourist side of Majorca. I want him to have options. I want him to be pure hearted. I don’t want him to suffer. How is he going to do well in life when the education system is so far behind? Why am I been punished for making a choice to better my self and my life? To find my life purpose witch I no is to help others. It hurts when you can see thinks and others can’t. I stayed there for my son and I am suffering inside. No more In time you will see that I made the right choice. Its hard when he doesn’t want to talk to me because I am not there. My insides twist up inside the pain kills me. My son as been my life since he’s been born and I am still fighting for the respect I don’t get. Ill fight threw this and I will win. Ill face up to my mistakes and I will love my self. But even though I am away from my boy right now its for him that I am. I can’t even make choices for him because the law says I have no rights. No matter weather you’re a women or a man please ask your self how it would make you feel inside if the choices were taking away from you because the law says so. I want my son in a better situation a better school, I want him to grow.
Finding my power with in my self .
I’ve been told, on many occasions, by many people, that I am too sensitive. Expressing my emotions is my to strength. I have spent a live time wearing my heart on my sleeve. Loving and forgiving those who hurt me, as been such a hard think to do for me realizing this is because of the sensitivity of myself and not knowing what this is. What I realize now is forgiving those who hurt me is the true gift. Holding on to pain and lies will just create more pain and hurt.
Being sensitive can be mentally draining and self-destructive. Some body I cared about said that I was self-destructive. At the time I could not see, not no more. Always trying to get other people to see them self’s is the worse think I have ever done. Even though I cared for them they will always target their anger at the person trying to help them rather then face up to them self’s. Problem with that is one day they will have to. Lets hope they haven’t lied so much and caused more pain to others in the long run. I cant help been me and wanting to help the people I cared about. I realize now most of the times it’s just impossible to help and me the sensitive one becomes the enemy. I am done feeling helpless I have stopped searching for solutions to no avail. With people like that and I am putting my sensitivity into the people that really need the help and that want to help them self’s. It’s scary being a sensitive person and being in tune with my emotions and the emotions of others. I believe many people could not deal with this gift if they were as sensitive. It’s like I was born having my eyes so open to the world around you. It’s an innate gift that I have been given but I am realizing I must protect myself to stay strong. So limiting my time with people and situations that drain my energy. Realizing I am not the one living in fear, I am not the one that as to go out in the world and lie. People that really now me now what I am about and who I am. I will always remember I don’t need to change or harden my purity makes me who I am. I will continue to wear my heart on my sleeve and clear away this pain inside myself. I will continue gain strength and keep going in the direction giving strength to others as well. Being sensitive just means that you have a heart and soul. Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness. Dreaming and thinking deeply about life is my power to bring change. And my life will be about what I can do to help people. I am fully aware now of feeling energy around me. Emotions and pain means that I am very aware. I am not crazy naïve any more I am seeing the truth.
Some think I have realized as well as been the actions of my self with that sensitive person two. I am sorry for not understanding your pain and sensitivity I didn’t even understand my self another.
I always wished I was thicker skinned, and that things didn’t get to me as much as they do now. Now I don’t I am blessed; now I am becoming my true self.
A TOUGH WEEK TO DEAL WITH BUT I AM SEEING THE TRUTH.
Hi guys hope you have had an amazing week this week. Were to start and what topic. Had a tough week in my self, really felt very sluggish my thoughts all other the place. Worrying about thinks witch is out of my control mediocrity at its worst, people not taking responsibility of them self’s and mistakes made buy them, also me not taking care of my heart enough. Also me stepping up to my DMP and starting a journey of true empathy and love for our fellow human beings. A roller-coaster week that I feel is making my stronger and cleaning out mistakes.
The weekend was all about my heart spending time with some body I had allowed my self to get close to. Feeling blessed and warm feeling loved. To be pushed aside on Monday out of fear and holding back in her self. Pushing and pulling on peoples emotions are not fair especially when they’re as sensitive as I am. I am a very sensitive person feeling people’s emotions and pain. Energy of others affects me. I am very grateful for this gift and feel very blessed. And I wish people would open up to allowing that feeling and their gifts to flow as we all have them. I made that decision that’s been screaming at me for weeks that this person is broken and will never take care of my feelings the way they deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to be loved the way I love others.
Had a tough start to the week. Insurance company contacted me told me my insurance had been cancelled and they can’t start it back up. My premium had gone up because of an accident I had two months ago. Not having my car is a big blow right now. As I am waiting to start work with in children’s homes with children from dysfunctional family’s. Waiting for DBS checks as so far took 15 weeks and still waiting and criminal check from Majorca as well. Struggling to stay a float financially at the moment trying to work on my life purpose. Trying to be me and let go of the things that hold me back. Because of this happening I contacted my grandfather asking him ask my uncle if I could put my care on the business insurance. Which would cost him no more money putting it on there. As I am insured on the company policy, witch in turn would safe me 2000 pounds that I don’t have to get my self insured again. What did I except the answer to be a family of money and greed a family that’s not even allowed to speak the truth. A family that as talked down to me all my life trying to tell me how to be how to think. A family full of narcissistic people. Money makes people selfish greedy and the world the way it is in pain. Why do we need that big house? Why do we need that nice suit. Ego is what is making us greedy making the world the way its is. And lack of empathy is why we have wars and people are dying from having no food.
There as been a lot to deal with this week. Me having to take responsibility for this pain. Its My fault I don’t stand up for my self and have allowed people to treat me lick I was wrong. Realizing I am the one who as allowed my self to live in fear. I have take responsibility of allowing people to walk other my heart buy not speaking up, speaking my truth. I feel blessed in my mind even thow this is hard I know its for my good , I know I will be the best I can be and I know I will find people like me and build these foundations all other the world . this world needs our help or our children will have nothing .
Got to understand part of my story. This past 8 months as been the toughest time of my life trying to find my self inside, Breaking down walls built up because of family, past relationships and me. Picking away at the fear that keeps holding me back. Realizing so much more then just problems inside of my self-realizing I can feel peoples pain energy. Realizing this as been effecting me and not knowing What to do with these gifts. Waking up to the truth. The truth of me been broken inside, the fear of me absorbing every body else programing and fears. I have give up a disc jokey (DJ) job. Witch was 5 years late in coming. Carried on doing the job because of my son been born and Fear of having more costs and money needed. Always knowing in the back of my mind that the law says I have know rights as a father. All right go two the mother of my child because I am a man not a women and were not married. Giving his mum the power and control. Giving into the lies that came from her, paying for every think nursery, clothes , feeding him at mine every day. Having to leave been a way from him winter times as I needed money and there was no work on the island. I have come back to England to change my life for the better to strip my self down from the inside out. Leaving my son in Majorca is killing me inside but if I don’t do this and live my life purpose I am going to die inside. I don’t think about money like people of this world do. I don’t want for a lot. I just want to be loved and to help people as best as I can. My heart says help others. Problem I am having with this spiritual awakening is my intuition getting stronger. I could all ready see so much more of the truth in the world then most people, but now its just getting stronger. Feels like somebody is hammering this into me on weekly bases, pain after pain.
Every night since Monday I have been out feeding the homeless this week. Feeling hurt inside before leaving to help and blessed buy the time I came back. Meeting a kind man who organizes the charity feeding the homeless. With the same purpose and heart when it comes to really helping the homeless. Watch this space I see thinks falling in line.
What ever we are going threw , what ever pain we have to deal with , what ever truth we have to learn about our self’s . Believe its for our good and remember there is people that have nothing that have more heart then a person that as every think . Love , Empathy , respect true religion of life .
The important start what do i truly want, and how much do i see.
Wow me writing a blog every week. This is not me atoll dyslexic always running away from writing of any sort. How thinks must change to move in the direction of a complete new programing of inner piece. A time of picking away at the layers of false protection I have put other myself all my life.
Its Time for the true, loyal, caring heart, to be out for all to see. No more hiding. Time for me to drop my ego. And for me to just walk away from people that want to take advantage of that heart.
The way humanity is at the moment is scary to me. The way we follow like sheep, the way we let other people decide for us with out even realizing that its happening is amazing to me. Human ego is fully at work. I want this I want that, that’s all I her these days. We live in a world were every body wants to be better then the next person and money is every think.
We say that humanity as a heart, yet so many people have no food any shelter. New statistics came out to day in the United Kingdom stating that its at an all time high for people living on the streets no homes no food no hope. Yet we all seem to think we do so much to help. Truth is your ego likes to let you think you do but you don’t, you live on fear just like the rest of them plugged into the fear-mongering matrix we call live.
What if we could ride our self’s of fear, what if we could reprogram our blue print of our brains. Question is would you want to help people or would you still be that selfish person that thinks of nobody but them self’s.
I would like to believe if we found our authentic self the whole of the human race. We wouldn’t have the problems in the world that we do.
So instead of talking I am doing first step me.
FIRST THINK I HAVE TO DO IS A set out my DMP SO HERE GOES
I am going to program my subconscious. I am going to make 8 apps that will be for the good of mankind sharing the wealth generated equally with the team of people involved. Taking 10 % of the profit from each app to put into and sir stain my dream (Our Global Community). A foundation that will help all communities in every country by building centers that will help children with all types of problems and gifts.
Embracing each gift and educating change in the world. A built-in education system that will teach everyone how to reprogram them self’s and to be their true authentic selves. Empowering people to think for them self’s, all nationalities all communities. Meditation, yoga classes and all kinds of mindfulness. Each center will be off grid echo buildings generate food from Permaculture life stock. A community for the good of all human race never turning its back on anybody. Drop-in centers for the homeless people with dormitories for them to sleep.
I am going to work with like-minded people to Create some think that communities are in need of around the world and the key to its success will be love, empathy, teamwork, respect, Non-profit or greed. Putting others before one’s self. People helping People. Building many other forms of financial sustainability within each center. Asking each community to get involved with the building of each Center.
Goals that I will achieve and complete, peace within myself and heart. Allowing the flow of energy. A full honest blueprint of myself, the true me. The past dealt with and forgotten, to be the best I can be. I am going to grow my empathy and love in giving back to people. Helping the homeless. I am going to be fully qualified to work with children with all problems and be working with them. I am going to get joint custody of my beautiful son and guide him to be the best he can be. Allowing him to be his pure self-helping him to work out what his own life purpose is.
I am going to travel the world with my son showing him the world, people, communities. Growing his knowledge and education of the world. I am going to love all human beings and work towards the greater good of mankind. Finally, I am going to truly love myself and break free.
FIRST BLOG FIRST INTENTION, SHOWING A LITTLE BIT OF WHATS INSIDE OF ME. AND WERE I AM GOING WITH MY INTENTIONS.
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR SELF TO MY GROUP.
I will find love, the true love in side of me for all humanity.
Time to get ride of the programing of fear and start a new with love.